Surrender.
It's funny how every time I use I convince myself that I'll be able to take my will back, just for a second, to "have fun" and then give it back to God and get right back on track.... ha WRONG.
I used again two weeks ago. All of the peace and joy of staying clean, going to meetings and turning my will over to my Higher Power vanished. Well actually, all of that good stuff vanished(or maybe I just couldn't find it) 2 weeks prior when I relapsed the first time. So for 4 weeks I was fighting and struggling to control everything and anything around me. I was cutting myself again, lashing out at people, calling others vulgar names, and turning my back on God. I was miserable.
I ended up getting mental health arrested a week ago for cutting real deep and locking myself in my room. And after that I realized, no matter how much I hurt myself, lash out at people, try to control things, or feel sorry for myself, It will NEVER get me ANYWHERE. I realized I was doing nothing that month but digging and digging myself into a pit of misery. I read step 3 in the Big Book and made the decision to let things happen the way they're supposed to.
It's only been two days and I feel better than I have all month. I'm praying every day now and going to meetings. All is well right now, just thought I'd check in with you all.