Perfectionism in (early) Recovery
Hi there,
Just looking to relate. Any time I've shared something I thought was unique to me and learned it wasn't all, it really helped me and I guess I could use that help now.
Can anyone relate to the feeling of having to drink again so they can start the sobriety the "right" way the next time? I'm not defending this behaviour at all - just writing it, it sounds sick - I'm just wondering if anyone else has even struggled with it.
I am sober, was sober yesterday, went to two recovery meetings, really opened my ears. This morning, I got up, went about my business, and didn't do all the things I said I would do when I went to bed (journal, pray, meditate, NOT lose my head with a family member). Then, like clockwork, this thought creeps into my head to go down to the store and start again tomorrow, perfectly. It's sick, I know! I know, I know.. and I'm fighting it. It's just when I'm in the middle of it, I think 'I must just be crazy! Not alcoholic.. I must just want attention, not sobriety...' And so goes the merry-go-round. Do you think this is just my addicted voice finding any means to get me to drink? I ask because it plays such a huge role in me spinning over the same old 'am I or aren't I'.. I know I just need to accept one way or another and go from there, and I want this - I want sobriety... this half of the day.. Geez, just reading this back boggles my mind. Maybe I need only read my own words back to me to see how messed up my thinking is.
Thanks, in advance, for sharing.