findinmyself---my heart goes out to you. I once was in that kind of relationship---only, the husband was not an alcoholic!! (spouse is not my qualifier..lol)
If I hear you correctly--you feel like you are married without the benefits of marriage...in the area of your emotional and companionate and practical needs. You feel that you are not seen or heard and that your feelings are of lesser importance in the relationship. And, that your considerable efforts (alanon included) have not resul ted in any hope for the viability of the relationship.
Looking at the situation from the premise of human equality--you are inheritently valuable and how you feel is important. You have every right to voice your opinion and have your needs be known. While the recovering alcoholic needs lots of space and l atitude--I don't believe that anyone should have to become a martyr in the name of someone else's recovery. trust me there is no reward or glory in martyrdom. It is m ore like a breeding ground for resentment.
I agree that you need your own healing field--where YOU matter. Your own interests and social circle. Your own counselor or therapist (in addition to alanon). You need an opportunity to be first priority in your own life. It is fairly early in the recovery process--and, your husband has the right to conduct himself as he sees fit--but, so do you. Time will tell if this is as good as he gets (in terms of responding to you). You shouldn't be confined to sitting quietly on a shelf while this comes to pass. This is why I am of the opinion that the alcoholic should live separately for a long time--at least one or two years.
Some marriages do survive sobriety--to varying degrees of satisfaction to the partners. Many do not. There is a LOT of variability here.
You have lots of power. You also do matter as much as anyone else on this planet. In order to have peace of mind, you have to be true to yourself.
findingmyself--I realize that I am speaking in a very direct manner to you. Please just take my words as food for your own thoughts.
Keep posting. You are not alone in this.
dandylion