findingmyself14

Isn't that funny? Here you are, being with someone for years, sharing a life with them and yet not knowing them at all?! What's terrifying for me right now is not necessarily seeing the man I know he could be - because the addiction wasn't present in the first half of our relationship. It's more this space that suddenly I am a threat. I think I get the psychology of it but how can it be that the person most affected by his addiction, who assisted with getting him to rehab, who said she's done if he goes back to that mode of life- how is that person a threat? Maybe it's because I'm the one keeping him from his mistress - or at least that's what I've decided to call it. It seems like a perfect analogy to me.

There are days now that remind me of then. No it's not the same. Technically not as bad. But in that moment - oh it feels the same. He cuts me with his sharp words. That drunken mean snarl still manages to appear. I have to keep steady by focusing on my breath, finding gratitude always and reading and rereading literature from his outpatient on friends and family patience while his brain repairs.

I wish someone would dedicate their f'ing patience to my recovery. I feel as though I can't step out of line. He's the first one to point out the mistake. Then I think (but truly I know-it's hard to admit) I never knew him at all. This may be the way he will be. Harsh, judgmental, critical and not forgiving.

He doesn't have a mood disorder per se but like most alcoholics, the booze was covering for childhood trauma, high levels of anxiety, ADD and depression. Thanks to his parents, he has extreme low intolerance of frustration and being perceived as doing something wrong. Blame lack of understanding of ADD mixed with good old Italian discipline and you may see the picture. Due to this and an early learning of fight or flight, the response is literally to flee or go to sleep OR get angry so fast you don't even know what is happening.

Cue the walking on eggshells. I swear sometimes he baits me to see if I will fly off the handle the way I used to. What he hasn't grasped yet (and where I'm constantly reminded of the power of denial) is that 99% of our fights were rooted in his alcoholism. Without it, there's almost nothing to get that worked up over!!

Thank you everyone for your statements and suggestions. I especially like the living separately thing. If it becomes a law can we make sure that the person in recovery also has to maintain the house, walk the dogs, etc.?! I jest, somewhat. It was a single household before. It continues to be. He tries when he can but the video game playing and TV watching and couch potato behavior continue to increase.

He has every right to do what works for him. What I'm finding the hardest right now is navigating a commingled existence when not being commingled. We did it before-why is this so hard? I think because we are having a surface level relationship and conversation. It feels fake. Like I'm living with someone I don't know. Gotta love the irony there!

Does anyone have any suggestions about reconnecting? I don't think he particularly wants to or can right now but yes we are approaching 3 months and I'm sick of everything right now. I can say that can't i? I feel those oh so familiar feelings of resentment creeping back in. Good thing I have al-anon tonight.

He actually threw in my face yesterday, own your own feelings and go to al-anon to get support-you have none from me. I bit my tongue. I almost bit through my tongue. It makes me boil. Just writing it is making me boil. The better part of the past year, especially intense over the last 6 months has been all about him and supporting him before during an after. Are you kidding me right now? No sympathy. No connection to me. Nothing. Just empty, selfish and angry. Feels a lot like November again!!

What is frustrating me most is that he is approaching 90 days and he is working his recovery. But he has been advised to not work full time, as he works with childhood trauma and it's a constant trigger. Yet what is we doing? Working full time. He shouldn't go to conferences on stressful topics for at least a year. Monday he is going to one on sexual predators on children. There is a balance that isn't being leveled out in relation to home. It's hard. I'm trying to be supportive but it pisses me right off. Exhaust yourself and then come home. Super. Thanks for that.