Yurt

Well, he has continued with his "cutting back" for a full week now, with no big blow ups or tantrums during these past 7 days. A record. When this happened last year I was overjoyed. Now, I feel so disconnected, I just feel like a data recorder (probably being very codie; tracking his drinking and behaviors). It occurred to me a couple of days ago that one reason I am less enthralled with his reformed self was his reasoning behind it. It had nothing to do with his treatment of DD or me (don't think he remembers much, anyway), but the $$ he will save as a result. Last year when he quit smoking, he funneled the money he wasn't spending on cigs into his own savings account (that he refused to put my name on at the time). We have since changed banks and I am now on all of the accounts, but he still considers it HIS. I fully expect he will start doing the same with any money he perceives saved by less drinking. Until he ramps back up, of course.

There is the slim chance that this will stick, but as I replay the "highlights reel" of our last 5 years or so, I am just not in a forgiving mood. I dream of a little 2 bedroom cottage in the downtown area of our community. I imagine peaceful evenings, growing what I like in the garden, not feeling compelled to jump up at every frosty moment to sooth feathers, etc. I would also like to see DD finish high school without the level of stress that she is under, to have her be allowed to have friends come over, to not see her feel the need to join every single club at school, just so she won't have to come home in the evening...