Where to go from here?
I have been in my new apartment for two weeks. The first week was tough. I had a lot of anxiety, not knowing what to do with myself because my life with my AXB was full of so much stress my body and brain didn't know what to do with freedom.
Now I try to spend as much time as I can out of my apartment so I don't isolate myself and get depressed. I have been walking a lot, going to the bookstore and reading empowering books.
But now- I'm trying to figure out how to think of my relationship so I can let it go. He was my first everything and turned out to be an abusive alcoholic. I am so confused about how to process the good side of him and the monster he would turn into. He has been sober for a few months now and doesn't think the violence was him. I know it must be hard for him to accept but it bothers me that he blames it solely on the disease. We are currently on good terms as friends but if he continues to think his violence was solely the alcohol and not him I don't think I can continue being friends. It's as if he's not taking responsibility for hurting me. He says he's sorry and I know he is but it's not enough. And I have no clue how what to even think about our entire relationship because it almost seems fake. I feel like I was lied to during the good times. Does that make sense?