I had a mini-meltdown this weekend. I found myself not just on the wrong side of the street, but running back & forth across both sides creating chaos. And the thing is - this wasn't triggered by RAH, this wasn't in reaction to him in any way. Oh sure, I
tried to blameshift for a minute & then caught myself.... ew, gross behavior. Sure, there are things he could have helped with that would've made it easier on me but all in all it wasn't his fault..... once I got some time to think I realized that there were probably a lot of factors at play in my meltdown:
1. I have been doing only the minimum of self-care (in every area - diet, exercise, sleep, meditations, etc.) because my schedule had gotten so out of whack in the last 3 months. (Busy season at work, etc.) Losing a little at a time over a few weeks added up to a LOT. Doing the minimum means I was never really decompressing all the way, only enough to get myself through the next obstacle, leaving my reserve tank empty. So when I needed it, I had nothing extra to pull from to keep me down off the ledge.
2. I spent a lot of time this weekend with a friend who is in desperate need of an active recovery, but who prefers to wander from crisis to crisis instead. (Her AH is also bi-polar) Normally it's ok & we have fun but this wknd she was in rare form, very moody & unhappy & snarky in general.... triggering me left & right. Combined with my lower tolerance I kept having to stop myself from snapping at her & telling her all the things she is doing wrong. (expectations, future-tripping, denial, no self-trust, etc.) I truly believe everyone has to walk their own path, but this wknd I had no patience to be supportive & hands off. With hindsight, I know now that I should have found a way to shorten our time together & gotten some distance from her while she was in this state. Instead, we spent all day Saturday together & I was WIPED OUT emotionally when it was over from having to bite my tongue over & over & over. I don't want to hurt her & I don't want to start a "my recovery is stronger than yours" dynamic either.
3. I was venting to RAH before he was off to a meeting on Sat night & I know he was trying to comfort me but it came off condescending & showed me how he still thinks that ALL the hard work in this process is on his side - that all I struggle with is being supportive & dealing with HIS crap. I got SO frustrated with this idea that his issues are more important because the damage is so much more obvious - I mean, when a Codie relapses there is (generally) no DUI, no legal fees, no property damage, no financial impact, etc. When I have a crisis I have to suck it up & deal with it if no solution is conveniently "right there", but if he has a crisis it becomes Priority #1 to resolve. This only fueled my meltdown all the more, can you say SELFISH?
The next morning I went grocery shopping alone just to get even 10 mins by myself. I had some time to think & also had a few run-ins with my HP speaking to me through others when I wasn't expecting it***. When I got home I explained to him that me going off like that was the same difference as him going out & pounding a 6-pack. That every time I eat my emotions it's like him downing half a bottle of Jaager. (I could tell by his expression "OH!!" that he hadn't thought of it this way before.) A relapse is a relapse & it is just as damaging to me to go through it as it would be for him to make a similar mistake. That even though my relapses don't inflict the same kind of damage doesn't mean there is NO damage - it affects me as a person, my self-worth, the way I parent & support him as a spouse - & he needs to take it as seriously as I do & support me in the same way I do for him. He was open to hearing all of this & it seemed like he finally understood in way he hadn't before.
*** Special shout-out to Carlotta...... reading your daily postings from Courage to Change helped me to be open & see when my HP was reaching out to me in unconventional ways. I think this topic came up specifically in the last couple of weeks so it was fresh on my mind.
