First of all thanks for the compliment on the writing and no my legs do not hamper that but other things do.
Trust me, I know I am good at writing, music, philosophy and caring for others, and by that I mean i see this world for what it is and all the carp we do to ourselves as a race of people.
Second...yeah, I took a bit of offense and well spotted as well, but I did not get angry about it, one thing a codependent person does is expect everyone of their lovers, friends and acquaintances to be mind readers esp, if you put your ass on the line for them.
A good example involves writing with my ex from the six year relationship where at the start I told her I'd like to get back to writing and due to the two kids I may need a couple hours to myself every couple days.
This was met by I could not as that would take time from the family. Being who I am I said OK immediately, so afraid are ppl like me that the other will just walk.
Reality is that is not a family anyway, a family supports and has a structure, not demand everyone give up things to comply to others.
I have a paranormal blog and like weird, obscure stuff, so I have studied a lot about cults like Scientology and the like (You gys here at SR know Narconon is a cult front BTW right? that is the first time I have ever said something on the net about the Sci's because the fair game practice is a B, but in this place not going to them is more important..Google all of those phrase/terms to have a really good read) and in my terms some of what I am going through after coming out of all this is some of the stuff we go through is like a cult member being freed.
If I do make a book of my life it will be called A Cult of One, because even though my father only had me and my mom and then just me to dominate, manipulate and program, he still did it.
I am reading a great book called The Great Santini and it is a book I recommend to anyone with childhood parent issues.
I am so sorry you fell off, but that was kind of my point in your thread about the weekends. Even when I just did the weekend warrior stuff, it was like I was just biding time cause I knew I'd get to 'be numb' on Saturday night.
Same thing when I first got with that ex of six years I worked my ass off to pay our bills and had no money for pot and booze was out of the question with kids around so each Thursday morning I'd go to that same old man's house I talked about in my first crack story and buy a joint off him and ask for a couple roaches.
This was after working an overnight and then my GF's kids went with her mo as we both worked nights so she could sleep. The fact I NEVER wanted to cuddle with her and did with my last ex shows something too, but I just had that thought while typing so...anyway, once she passed out I was up and at the computer screen, smoking what he gave me and then just waiting till next Thursday.
And no, I don't think you are a cold person at all, we are all filled with different reasons to use and those reasons are hard to put across sometimes.
Example: Until recentl;y by my job there is this guy who calls himself 007. he is homeless and drinks all day and bums money from ppl inside and outside the store (my bosses store lack funds so he needs the sales no matter what) and even tried to ask me.
Thing is, when he gets drunk he is a rude ass and says hurtful stuff. One time on Father's Day he must have somehow heard me talking about my mom being gone and then mixed up the parents as he walked out after I would not give him a dollar saying: "Happy Father's Day everybody, except for you *** because your dad is dead."
I followed him out and told him he ever talk to me like that again I would knock him on his ass and the cops would like it because he is a known loser.
I also dislike him due to the fact he gets 1,500 check, a food stamp card and free housing if he applied and this is what he does.
But...
What lead this man to this point, what drives him to say this?
Probably deep pain like mine, like yours he is running from. His demons are hunting him and he cannot turn around and face them.
So when someone in this way does not get me or I don't get you or whatever, I cannot help but think there is some hidden hurt, some damn itch they just can't (won't) scratch.
As for me being stronger or better then you with...no sir, sorry don't buy that and neither do you.
We just are on different parts of the path and where I am hitting a curve and gotta hit those breaks before I crash you might be on the straightaway, pushing the speedometer all the way...or maybe your in a oasis have a Big Mac and fries...who knows...
I stopped judging a long time ago and I know no matter what ppl say in a place like this we are all on or been on that damn long twisting highway that seems to go on forever and it will because the reality is every poster here who is an addict will be one till we are six feet under.
It is enough to make you go
:
Peace.