Saturday is here again
I hope everyone is enjoying their weekends.
I have to admit, I've very disappointed in myself. Today was a day I've been looking forward to for probably three weeks or so. I made all these plans to get up, go out and enjoy the day. And I didn't follow through with any of them. Why? I really didn't feel like getting out of bed this morning. I just didn't want to do it.
So, per usual, I now I no drive to do anything else today. The sun is out, the sky is blue, the weather is nice. Why don't I want to get off my couch? I have nothing to do. Nowhere to be. And no one to notice I'm not out having any kind of enjoyment today.
Most days, being alone and feeling lonely doesn't bother me. But you know, it'd really be nice to just be able to sit out in the sun on a patio somewhere having a cup of coffee and a conversation with a person. I don't mind talking to the cats (not conversations, I'm not THAT crazy) but it'd be nice to have someone that talks back. It's true this situation isn't new. It's been going on for over a year now. You'd think I'd be used to it.
The drinking made it so much easier to cope with. Notice, I said it didn't make things better. It made it easier to cope with. If I was trashed, I didn't notice I was alone. I didn't care, at least in that moment. And yes, it didn't solve anything or in reality make anything better, in the short term or long run. But for right then, I was happy. I was oblivious to the loneliness. I know it wasn't real happiness. It was momentary euphoria brought on by a drug.
I didn't expect life to be easy. But oh how I wish it wasn't lonely.
I don't feel like I'm in danger of drinking today although I will most likely avoid any grocery stores if I go out today. I'm just having a little pity party for myself and I'm sorry for that. It does make me feel better to just get that out.