I too have lost a wonderful wife because of my alcoholism. I'm doing great on day 64 but still feel a void. There is only 1 thing I can do
The 1 thing- be the best me I can be. This gives me 2 potential paths. Path 1 being awesome WITH her in the future.
Path 2 is being awesome WITHOUT her in the future. Those r the only suitable outcomes. Using will yield neither of these.
I have to be the best me cause that is who my wife deserves (if she chooses to take me back) and the best me is who I deserve to be regardless of whether I get back with my wife.
The only thing I can definitively control is not using and being the best version and truest version of me.