I HAVE 25 DAYS CLEAN AND SOBER TODAY....
I lost the girl i was supposed to marry this August and my heart is torn. normally in my past i would simply shoot the pain away but i know i cannot go backwards only forwards this time. This time i found strength due to my hurting her. If i were to use right now it would be to kill everything in my life thats beautiful. When my 1st wife died she promised me she would send me someone special to love and care for me and she kept her word. My girl gave all of herself to me and i hurt her terribly with lie after lie and like a ****** i cheated on her in the very beginning and later down the road with the same girl. Thats all my fault and I learned all ii needed to learn about cheating and the true hurt it gives the one you love. she should have left me just for that alone never mind all the drugs and my allowing her with 3 years clean to use with me because i was to afraid to tell her NO because she said if i didnt shoot her up she was out of my life and gone. i did the stupidest thing and followed her orders... biggest mistake of our lives. shes clean now because i refused to allow her to get a habit. anytime she asked fo it i gave her the weak stuff and never the powerful highly addictive bags... she called me greedy but i called it saving her an addiction. im trying my hardest not to contact her because everyone is telling me not to just to see if its meant to be. its so hard not to want to talk to her because shes in my heart and is a huge part of my life. I just wanted her to be a part of my recovery so together we learn how to handle things like this. I know i cant use again. im taking the Vistaril shot that ill take the rest of my life just to prove to her ill stay clean even though i know ill do it for myself. i want a family and a baby with her and this is killing me... PLEASE ANY ADVICE FROM OTHERS WHO LOST A LOVE RESPOND. I KNOW IM THE MAN OF HER DREAMS I JUST NEED HER TO BE ABLE TO TRUST ME. i lied so many times but over what i called stupid things but to her were everything... gotta build up trust. takes time but times all i got... giving her space to where i hope she misses me enough to talk to me and really see im a changed man for myself first regardless how much i love her... could use a womens advice on this one...
