I have not used in 30 days today. And I am certain the urges today are worse than they were the first week (after the detox thing). I wish those urges would go away, God I wish they would go away. Truth is I miss my pills so so so much still. And I don't feel particularly grateful and happy that I am not using. I hear that other people do, but I just miss them.
Although, I don't want to want to use, so I am trying. I made myself a deal that I could use again after 90 days if I still wanted to. But that I had to be clean for a full 90 (consecutive) days. It is so gosh darn hard.
My doctor told me to think of my mind and body like a cruise ship. The throttle is easy to turn (like my body) but the ship itself takes a long time and makes a slow wide turn - (like my brain.) The brain takes a long time to catch up with the body.
So, okay, that means that eventually it has to catch up. Sometimes I wonder if my mind will ever catch up - if it is permanently broken so it isn't possible to make that turn completely.