Doctorwho737

First of all thank you...

I am as said attending counseling and Friday night I will attend my first co-dependency group, although I am rather nervous about it.

Also posting here was something I avoided three months ago and honestly I had to force myself to start posting the original post, something that happens with an lot of things today.

What I want to do is get out of this apartment, get away from the environment here as although my father is no longer the monster of old the memories are still here and there is still some under current of control and abuse.

Thing is to do that I have to go through all the stuff to get disability as I really cannot work barely anymore but that medical stuff is so tied into my past abuse/exp.

Essentially I know nothing else but this pit I dug myself, and I am trying my damnedest to get out but I am so used to the patterns of abuse and addiction.

One of the hardest parts about stopping your denial of abusive situations is realizing that later on you yourself became the abuser and no one else was ever needed.

I would love to tell you that I am stopping pot right now, but then I would be lying...

Mostly because what I really want is someone to be here, somewhere to go and someone (IRL in front of me no offense to you guys) who cares about me.

That becomes scary though too, especially once you realize people are another drug to you and what can you trust then about your own feelings?

I feel slightly frustrated at the question because for me at the moment the question leads down that briar patch of a million problems to be sorted or fixed, a millions tears and a millions cries of pain, most of which honestly I am probably still hiding.

Eventually I have to kill the pot but I am afraid of dong that here. If that is an easy excuse or not I am not sure but I do know that cutting off something like pot can be nasty business and with my abuser around it might be too easy to go off or whatever.

Sooo....good but difficult question.