Doctorwho737

As I am typing this I have just scraped the corn cob bowl, trying like hell to find purchase to chase away the feelings I knew would rise...did I find some? Yeah, stale tar, smelling and tasting slightly of corn cob, smoked in a tin foil bowl wrapped in scotch tape to allow me to take big hits...it's a trick I learned smoking crack back in the day and it shows just how much THC is a drug to some.

I started one starry night in West Texas at 15, holding a friend's metal pipe in the desert after I had just moved to town. The first time I was scared and did not inhale, which as a stupid teen I tried to pass off to the guys like I did.

They know I did not and so after that we went to another friends house, where I smoked for real for the first time and the best high I would ever have off the stuff.

That started a chain where I smoked almost daily for twenty years, although I did have breaks but during those breaks either my co-dependency and other mental issues were making people and situations my new drug or I was into other drugs like drinking and alcohol.

I think to fully 'get me' we have to hear about that too:

I hung out with ppl who did heavy drugs after moving back to the Midwest and never touched them. (I thought I was so smart not doing 'real' drugs, just drinking and smoking) One night though, a whole group of people came to the apartment I used to have with crack.

We drank and smoked all night long and the next day the guy who brought it got fronted more and was ready to head off again. I stayed behind and thought the whole thing was rather stupid and they must be weak, because I felt no addiction.

Well, a couple years roll by and I still drink and smoke pot and then one day while hanging out with this guy near my house the dealer says he does not have any pot right now but he has crack.

So the other guy used to do all sorts of stuff and I, recalling that one night and figuring this will be the same say OK...

Of course it is not OK and that day we got down to using the guy's pennies in a Ben and Jerry's carton to buy the last ten bag the guy had.

He also stayed 'out' of weed for the next week, so we smoked crack instead.

This lead to a Summer of me being a 'functioning' crack addict, I would go to work all week, get paid on Friday, binge and be broke, rinse and repeat.

One of the low points was when a friend called to say my former job had sent me a check for time owed of about $400 (in 2001 money!) and I rushed to his house, cashed it at my night job, spent it on crack.

The next morning I could not go to work as I had been up all night (not the first time either), and somehow we found a joint the guy had hidden and smoked it.

I got so freaked out and thought I was going to die (second time I had freaked out like that on pot btw) and believe it or not that put me off everything enough for me to escape the crack, but eventually went back to the pot and drinking.

At times drinking was a bad thing for me too, I would drink to escape and there are just toes of stories, tones of bad times, but suffice to say I used to wander the streets on foot drinking a six pack out of a bag at times, and one incident where I was being evicted in my early 20's where I answered the door, stereo blasting as I was passed out on on floor with a 5th of tequila.

So now the recent stuff...

In July 2012 my friend of ten years and girlfriend of six years kicked me out of our home in Texas where we had been for six months with her two kids, who I considered my own (especially the boy, who I had raised since he was a baby) and forced to move back to my dad's.

Soon as I heard she was done with me (I had to stay a month there to prepare and only came back with like 10% of my stuff), I was right on the booze, drank a six pack in about ten minutes and stayed that way through the Summer and fall of 2012 as much as I could.

My physical condition prevents me from escaping here, where the other person is the cause of most of this crap, and my past history and my head stop me from doing just about anything productive including sorting out my medical stuff.

In January of 2013 I met another girl and took it slow, she was from an abusive background worse then mine and I thought I was on the right path...

By July of 2013 she was in dire straits with no place to go and then in the span of three weeks told me she was dying, she was statying with her ex and then they got back together.

Again, I dove into the drinking and all, but in late August also wento into therapy locally where they work at a sliding scale.

In there I have learned a hell of a lot...I can say (which I could not before and even now it is weird, here I am tearing up just typing this out) I am an addict, a co-dependent, a victim of abuse and I suffer from a variety of physical and possibly mental issues.

I also am isolated, I have no friends and talk to no one unless it is about pot or work (I work alone in a small store so no co-workers even really).

My friends I had no longer seem to want me around and it seems everybody is older now, kids and family's and all that, and it hurts.

I will stop there for now but obviously there is a lot more to tell then just the pot and I have stuff I have not even touched on, like my mom dying of MS and my dad leaving me with here at 12 yadda yadda yadda...

Feel free to ask any questions and I know it might seem jumbled but the subject matter is so deep and there is so much to tell.

In the past IRL I have been a writer of sorts, never paid too well but have some credits to my name...I plan on wrting my whole exp in a book, that is if I ever escape this hell and actually DO things rather then daydream about them and torture myself with them when I don't...

Anyway cheers again guys and please if above does not make sense let me know...