Mango blast

The only person's behavior you can control is your own. When I ask my husband to do or not do something, I'm setting an expectation of that. I feel let down or frustrated when he does something else, especially when he agreed to it. That 'expectation' is why I get upset. Why would I expect him to act like a normal person when he has all this craziness going on inside his brain? Because I tend to forget I'm not dealing with a normal, sane person. PAWS is going to be keeping that at bay for quite some time, and for anyone still using it's not going to be there at all.

He's getting the reaction he wants and being rewarded with you breaking the NC rule also. Think about what you want to happen and how you can follow up with a solid consequence that you are able to do. (((hugs))) I understand. No easy answers there, except to keep working your program. Have you read the stickies on abuse and any books on emotional abuse?

Can you block his number? If it's supposed to be NC, that would include texts. You can't stop him from typing them, but can you block them? Same for his emails and phone calls. If there was an emergency regarding your son, someone else can still contact you.

Having someone else drop off your son is a great idea, IMO. This is where reaching out for help comes into play. It's not easy at all, but can be very therapeutic. When I've had to sit down and figure out who to call, and that number is busy or I get a voice mail, and the next person can't help and then a bunch of people down the line... and then I have to brainstorm what else to do -- who else to call... and eventually I'll get it figured out and feel so good about having done that. It doesn't matter all the people who couldn't help, it's great that I found people to call and I did that!

If having a full break from seeing him is what you need, you have every right to that. Could the person supervising the visit pick your son up at your place and bring him back? If they aren't trustworthy enough or willing to do so, maybe line up friends to do this for the next month. If you have a calendar to fill when you call, maybe that'd make it easier for some of them to fit it into their schedule.

Baby steps are fine. It's not that you won't ever be dropping your son off, it's that right now you need some breathing room to take care of you. If seeing him each week is messing that up, you have every right to brainstorm other ways to handle it. The biggest part of empowering myself has been seeing that I have options, whether I like them or not, or even if I don't choose a different one than I'm currently doing. KNOWING I have options is very important to me.