I read your beautiful heartfelt post and I knew that I had to respond to you.
I felt like I was reading something that I wrote years ago. Always the wondering about what I did wrong to make him hate me this much.
I was married a very long time. I got stuck in a position where I just wanted to know why.
Why would he tell everyone how much he loved me and that I am the greatest, then come home and spit on me? He either loved me or hated me, in that moment. I was either the greatest thing that happened to him, or I was the worst b!tch from h3ll. When we were married, it changed day to day, or month to month, or hour to hour.
He had started to "run away" from home for weeks at a time, wouldn't talk to me at all, I was the worst, then he would "show up" again, I was the best. Confusing as all h3ll.
I finally left, he filed for a divorce because how dare I leave, his words ----- How can you have a relationship with someone if they are not there?
I did scratch my head many times on that one. Also with the alimony, he told me he could spend his money in better ways then supporting me, that he could be treating his grandchildren to things, but now he is poor because of me. (OK) (whatever)
I am learning now to love myself, I couldn't do that when I was with him. Yes, my ex has a girlfriend also that he lives with, and I do pity her.
I came to grips with things by realizing my ex probably does have some mental issues. BPD to be specific, but that doesn't matter to me anymore. I had to let it all go. He can hate me as much as he wants, and I simply don't care, because I get to be with me, and now I am learning to love myself. I don't give a rats a@@ what he thinks of me anymore, it took up too much room in my head.
Glad you got your toes done today, they must look really pretty !!!!!!!!!!
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))