Originally Posted by formyboys

The hate that he feels for me. Is this my codie issues or am I just human?

He has said its because I left him when he needed me most (even though he pushed me away and turned to someone else.) that he should have been able to depend on me (even though I WAS there for 15 years putting up with all the drinking...and all that is involved in that, and that the only reason he finally got sober is BECAUSE I left.)

I have never had someone I cared about and loved so much, so bitterly hate me..someone I spent the better part of my life with so willing to go around slandering me and everything about me and feel no remorse for how badly he hurt me.

I know its not me, its his issues. but that doesn't make it any easier to take. When after everything that has happened I am so willing to let it go and he is so determined to keep that hate going and blame me for everything that is wrong in his life. He says he has finally found his soulmate (and omg I cant tell you how that hurst to hear) so why I ask if you have finally found your true love, cant you let go and get over your bitterness towards me. he brings up the fact that he has to pay me spousal support to any and everyone who he talks to. Really?? is it really just about the money?

funny...in my head I think after everything we went through I would think that he would feel like I deserve it, that it is only right that he help make my life a little better after destroying me emotionally. I feel crappy enough and beat myself up enough about excepting spousal support. every time I hear about his comments regarding it I feel worse. like I must be pretty messed up that he feels ok to disrespect me the way he has...the drinking the affair and now the total hatred towards me...on days like this I wonder what it is about ME that makes him feel this is ok.

ugg....that codie crap rears its head no matter how hard I work on it.

I need encouragement today my peeps. Im off work, we are having a huge thunder and lightning storm and its perfect weather to hide away and beat myself up.