My "cross-addiction" viscous cycle.
Last night I stayed up until 5 AM on this "hookup/dating" app in search for someone that could fill the void that I feel inside of me. Those of you who know me around here know I struggle a lot with that area. I didn't actually go out and do it, but the obsession, compulsion and desperation. was terrible. I got to the point where getting high sounded like a splendid idea. As a result of staying up so late I overslept and was late to my meeting.. I literally felt like I was using all night and it sucked. When I got home today I was writing in my journal and drew out a cycle of this situation so I can see it more clearly. It goes like this:
1.Sexual fantasies
2.Obsessions
3.Pornography/Online hookups
4. "Screw it" attitude
5. "I can use one more time"
6.Active Addiction(hopelessness, despair, destruction)
7.Get clean - Pain becomes too great
8.Stay clean for awhile - forget about the pain
9. Repeat.
I know at number 2 I NEED to call someone and talk about what I'm feeling and thinking. Or pray about it, take a moment to remember the consequences, meditate.
Also, as soon as I got out of my meeting today my mom called and told me that my Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous book came in the mail and that she's gonna drop it off at my Dad's today.. Coincidence? I think not!