Originally Posted by
Stung 
Thanks, Liz. I'm so sorry for your sister.
That must be really hard.
I think I am doing some serious self sabotaging and keep looking for excuses everywhere, only I'm the real reason that I'm not happy at this point.
I have access to good child care. As of today, my husband is willing to watch the girls on the weekends, either both or at least one of them (having only one tot is infinitely easier than both at the same time), for at least a few hours every Saturday and Sunday…I'm the only one standing in my way. My husband told me today that I can head to the gym solo tomorrow morning as soon as he gets here. My response was "okay, maybe." What a dumbass I am! Then he suggested that I go get a pedicure, which really does sound amazingly relaxing but I'm really hesitant and oddly worried about treating myself. I. Don't. Understand.
Oh, I definitely understand Stung. A few things (in addition to everything above) occur to me reading your post this morning.
When I FINALLY saw my needs in recovery & started to juggle it into my life routine, I started running into exactly this type of scenario. Part of it was that I simply needed a helluva lot more time for myself than ever before because there was so much going on in my head all of the time. When I would get a break, I would spin circles not knowing which direction to go with the limited time I did have. Getting just an hour sometimes was more frustrating than no time at all, kwim? I felt like by the time I immersed myself into relaxing & detaching from life enough to truly relax, my time would be up & I wouldn't have actually enjoyed the time I'd spent as much as I expected. So then sometimes I would do the opposite - spend those couple of hours catching up on chores or whatever I'd been lagging on, thinking that I would feel more centered being "caught up".... major fail emotionally.
I had to finally just start an activity that was scheduled (I did my weekly reiki circle) because then I forced myself to change the routine. I knew I could change it or drop it anytime, it was about challenging myself to do something different & build my time into the family schedule the same way that DD's drama practice, RAH's band practice, etc. were part of the routine. I was previously just settling for "whenever" and then it occurred to me that THAT was pretty blurry in terms of boundaries. That was hard - I was really used to putting myself last ***cough*martyr*cough*}. Because it really was ME putting Myself last..... neither RAH nor DD was doing that. Even if they contributed to it over time, it started with me accepting it & then allowing it to be part of our "normal". None of my friends or family has EVER hesitated to babysit when I've asked, I was the one not asking in a straight-forward way.
With babies as young as yours, it's even more challenging, so I get that. One thing that I can promise you though - even DD recognizes that mom needs her "FireSprite Time" as she puts it, and encourages me to take it when new activities pop up. She's old enough that I was able to sit her down & explain how my time is mine to not be a wife, a mom, etc. She sees the difference in me when I go too long without that time too, I get more short tempered, I start letting old codie habits creep up... it's almost exactly the way RAH is when he goes too long in between meetings or talking with his AA friends. My cycle just takes longer to get to a critical point & by then I b.l.o.w. u.p.
Your DD's are too young to verbalize this to you, but there is no doubt that they feel it exactly the same way. I think that every one of us does a better job as a parent when we prioritize our own needs.