So, as a caveat, I know this may be a controversial topic for some, but I'd really appreciate if I could vent here and focus on the feelings/triggers surrounding my job.
I'm taking a risk airing it all out, but I feel it needs to be said, to be heard, because my AV will otherwise use the secrecy against me.
I work night shift as a dancer and have never worked a shift without having at least a couple drinks - and very often, many many more than that.
Today was my second day sober - I never ever ever thought that I could make it that far! - I attended my first-ever AA meeting and (drum roll) went to work. I was nervous, terrified even, that I wouldn't be able to work without a drink. And it was soooo weird. I didn't know how to work my job anymore! Quite honestly, I've been doing this for two years now, and I felt like it was my first day doing it again! I was shy of the customers, worried that I'd be offered a drink (and I do know - intellectually - I could say any number of things, like I'm diabetic, I'm on antibiotics, I'm driving tonight, I'm allergic, I had one earlier and don't need one now, etc... or even get a virgin something. We have code words for shots and drinks for underage dancers who still want to participate in the "drinking activity" of the customers). That being said, almost all of my angst tonight was IN MY HEAD.
It was a bad night. We had more girls than usual and everybody was complaining about how bad it was. But me? No, my little AV voice niggled in my ear - "you're having a bad night cuz you can't drink." "even if it's slow, any other slow night you could always find THAT customer to drink with." etc etc. I took frequent breaks, ate a healthy snack/meal, talked with a few of my sober, supportive co-worker friends, tried to work ... let's just say I survived.
I didn't drink! But I left two hours early because I just couldn't take it any more. I'm still kinda foggy-groggy, didn't sleep well last night, felt bloated, ugly, sober, blah, bland, scared, nervous. The actual dancing and stuff didn't make me nervous, I guess I really am okay with that, but it was the "having to make conversation with strangers" part that really just froze me up.
I'm not as thrilled about my victory as I thought I would be. I'm accepting of the fact that I cried all the way home because I didn't make any money, but I also realize I'm being really hard on myself. It's not like I can just change my M.O. overnight!
I'm soooo grateful I:
- didn't drink!
- drove myself to work and back - sober!
- reached out to several of my friends
- ate responsibly (I tend to restrict if I can't have a drink with it)
- am beginning to realize just how blurred my nights at work have been
- am beginning to realize I do have great potential to be even better than I was when I was drinking, it's just going to take longer than I'd like. (dang impatience! Lol)
- had the courage to write this out on here.
And you know what? I'm going to get up and do it again tomorrow. It can only get easier.
Though I must say it was a very difficult night tonight. I got by with a little help from my friends and some pretty intense self-awareness! Maybe too much of the latter, lol. I was overthinking EVERYTHING. Ugh. But am going to accept this as a positive night overall (even though I made the LEAST amount of money I have EVER made). It's worth my life to do this!!!
(and I'm sorry if I offend anyone, I don't know where else to go to reach out. I'm not at a point where I can leave my job for other work, so this must be done - even if I didn't make any money tonight, haha. I'm feeling kinda raw about everything right now and am scared that I'll be shunned here if I come out with all of this.)
