Well, I do understand where you're coming from, cleaninLI, and I truly agree with the whole "he's just not that into you" explanation, if this was a relationship absent the added dysfunction of addiction. But it is a relationship with an addict and that has made the situation much more complex, and what I've learned is that it does need to be a very selfish time for a person in recovery. I was invited to a meeting with him this morning to help me understand that this need to focus on himself is not about me and, even though I still have a difficult time understanding what goes on in the mind of an addict, like why he couldn't open up to me but was able to say everything I needed to hear in front of a room full of strangers, I am now finding a sense of peace with what has happened. His fear, shame, embarrassment, idea that he doesn't deserve to ask for anything, and so many other issues, is frighteningly intense. He could not bring himself to hurt me like he has hurt so many others in his life with his addiction, just as KeepinItReal has pointed out very clearly, and he saw this happening in his "over-reactions" to me. As I listened to him describing me to this room of people, as if I wasn't in the room, I was so touched by his conscious appreciation for all I've done, and for the first time in his life, he wasn't willing to take advantage of someone who loves him. He felt that he did not deserve to ask me to wait. I see now that despite the positive influence I am for him, I was also a difficult risk for him to take given his current emotional state and recent relapse and recovery. Because of this, I have been able to step away and adopt the motto, "If you love something, set it free." Topped by the many experiences shared here that mimics almost every event that has occurred, I have to give credence to the possibility that this is more about a need to focus on recovery as opposed to a cowardly attempt to break up bc of lack of interest.
In moving forward, I have accepted his need for space and need to focus all his energy on his recovery and staying clean and sober and not having to worry about being present and emotionally responsible when he simply can't right now. Im hopeful that the new program he will be starting on the 15th (already added Xanax for his anxiety and will be in twice-weekly counseling) will help, but I am warned it is all about his commitment and he can end up tripping up/stumbling through and this is why I need to focus on myself as well so as to not become codependent in the relationship. I guess the bottom line for me is that I just needed to understand better what was going on since I have never had to deal with an addict in my life and knew nothing about the effects on their lives and the lives of the people around them. All I ever knew was what I learned from being a kid in the 80s and the DARE program and what I see on TV. So it was all so confusing to say the least, which made the heartbreak all the more difficult to understand. Whereas in other relationships, there is anything from cheating to differing interests to lack of desire to help explain the end of a relationship.
We are no longer in an active relationship, as we both want him to focus on recovery. But now I have a better appreciation for his need to do this on his own and that it isn't so much cutting out positive things in his life but needing to not make the situation any more emotionally and mentally difficult for him so that he can focus.I can't believe how much I've learned about addiction and recovery in the last week. My mind is still absorbing everything