Originally Posted by
hopeful4 
I really really respect you for this post and your honesty. I come from his position in my marriage which just ended, but that's another story. My husband hid it from me. When I asked if he was OK I just generally meant are you drinking, are you ok to drive, that type of thing.
What I told him is this and I think it applies in your case too. As a spouse, and you have hinted yours is codependent as I have been, we are just too close to the situation to hear all of your thoughts and feelings about this because it will trigger ours and then we are all a mess. This is why one needs a sponsor who can understand. I told my husband that while I will always encourage him, I cannot be the one he comes to for those type of things.
It would also likely help your spouse to go to Alanon or Celebrate Recovery or a program to get support for the codependency also.
If this applies to you, I am betting you could say the same and he would get it. I hope you have a sponsor who can support you during your times of need that you need understanding. I wish you success with your recovery!
Good Luck and God Bless!
Yes.
Marriage was never meant to be a relationship in which one's partner is therapist, lover, best friend, co-parent, confidante, rabbi, priest, buddy, sex toy and mommy or daddy to the other. I've learned that there are many people who believe that if they don't live up to the expectations of one or more of these assumed roles that they are either doing something wrong or are failing in their relationships. Or that there's something wrong with them. Despite what I believe to be a social fallacy, no one person can fulfill all the needs of their partner.
One of the trademarks in healthy relationships is the existence and maintenance of other interpersonal relationships that fulfill one or more of the many needs that one's partner is simply incapable of meeting, through no fault of their own. Some of these "relationships" are simply activities that are not shared with one's spouse, and which may or may not involve interacting with other people.
A lot of folks disagree with this, and many are threatened by extra-marital relationships, even when those relationships make for a happier marriage. I'm not at all talking about having an affair, which typically is a red flag that there are some serious, unresolved problems in the relationship. I'm talking about living independently within a relationship.
For me, the relative health of my relationships mirrors my own individual health as a human being. This is only a part of the reasoning that goes into the suggestion in AA not to make any major changes in early recovery, neither severing existing relationships nor initiating new ones of the romantic variety. Our psychopathology and other issues are reliably thrown into sharp relief and come to full bloom in our relationships with other people, and we ignore this information at our own peril.