When I post I to put myself back in time to when I was originally seeking help. I did know things weren't right, it was like I just couldn't place my finger on what was wrong. I had no one at all to talk to. I already alienated my family and friends, already lied to cover up things that were going on, no one would have believed me, (or at least that is the way that I felt).
Even now, today, as I am typing this, I went back to 10 years ago.
I was lonely, I was depressed, I didn't know what I was doing wrong. I came seeking help and validation for my feelings, because I feel I can't have a feeling unless I get an OK from someone. I was suicidal. I had no one to turn to, I needed to talk. I needed help to get out of that abyss that I fell into. I had no hope left, I could see no future. I just felt like if this is life, please stop the planet and let me jump off. I had no rational thoughts at the time. I needed to be heard, and I needed to feel loved.
Ironic, I go to the internet. People that I will never meet. Hoping that someone out there knows or can understand how I feel, I don't want to feel crazy anymore. I don't want to feel alone anymore. I was told repeatedly that I was a lousy mother by my AH. My kids are in honor classes, but they are afraid to express an opinion in their own home. I want to be a good mother, but was my H right, they aren't old enough to have their own opinion? Are they just really parroting what their teachers are saying? Are their teachers brainwashing them? Then I think about my own opinions. Am I still too young to have my own? Is my H the only one old enough to have his own? So I have questions, but my mind is so effed up, I don't know how to word it correctly.
Then I get jumped on. I shut down again. I stay on the forum, I only read, I don't post anymore. I post only to say Happy Birthday to someone. But I'm still reading, still trying to figure things out for myself. Even though I am learning, I think I would have learned a lot faster if I didn't feel I was under attack. I was under attack everyday of my marriage. It was almost cultlike. I had already given up my views, my opinions, my feelings. I had to agree with everything in the marriage, if not, there was a penalty to pay.
My freedom from all of that, is that I did stay, I didn't participate like I should have, and I always felt bad when a newcomer would come in and get pounced on. A lot of them left, and didn't benefit from the wealth of knowledge that I gained by staying.
I will always try to judge for myself where that person might be at the time of their initial posting. If they need someone to just listen, and lean on for support until they can stand on their own, I can give that.
I needed my "oxygen mask" before I could help my children. I needed to have support, I needed to know that I wasn't crazy. I was told that everyday. I needed to trust again.