A Concern
I have a concern that maybe some of you have experience with and can give me some insight. I'm finding it extremely difficult to talk to my spouse about my urges for alcohol. Every time he asks if I'm "OK" I always respond "Sure, no problems!" even though I've been battling with some crazy urges all day long. Some days I might have an extremely hard day just because I had to go to the grocery store where they sell wine, to the point where I damn near have a meltdown in the parking lot. But, when he comes home he has no idea of this. I act like everything is totally cool.
Some background: During my alcoholism I hid my alcohol from my husband. I'd been doing this for several years. Even before we got married. Whether it be hiding wine in the laundry basket or taking sips of his whiskey stash and then replacing it when it got too empty. Sometimes he'd find an empty bottle and confront me about it, and I'd tell him I'd quit, but I never did. Finally he told me he'd divorce me if I didn't quit. So onward to recovery I went. I really wanted to quit anyway and was sort of relieved that he finally found out how bad it was. This is the simplified version. The extended version was actually quite traumatic for us both.
The reason I feel so uncomfortable talking to him about my urges is because 1. I'm afraid it'll stress him out 2. I don't want him to get angry 3. I don't want him to control some aspect of my life (i.e. taking my money away or my car keys). He very much likes to fix things, but I don't want to be fixed by him. I'm finding effective ways to stay sober and deal with these urges through AA and SMART recovery and here. I just feel like once again there is another side of me that he doesn't see. Like I'm hiding something from him all over again.
Thanks