90 Days Today - Big Changes
Today marks 90 days of sobriety (actually, today is Day 91, but I have 90 under my belt). I am a different person than I was three months ago. Physically, I feel phenomenal. I've been running consistently and getting faster and stronger as time goes by. Mentally, I have clarity, I can think, process, and most of all, REMEMBER things. That was very frustrating early on. Emotionally, I am beginning to put myself first and love myself. It still feels weird to me, but I know that I am making the right choice.
I have made a big change in the work department. I recently moved out of my old office into an office of my own. I used to co-office with some others, but it hadn't been working out for some time. I had to sit the guys down and break the news. One of them got pretty mad at me and told me "you are screwing us over." Long story short, I know I made the right decision and I did it for me. I explained that my overall stress level was causing me health problems at the end of 2013 (It was a big trigger in my drinking) and that I made a commitment to myself to shed any stress I could and that this is what is best for me.
I have always been a people-pleaser and it really bothers me (still) when people are bothered with me. What I am learning; however, with sobriety is that "this too shall pass." I am still carrying around some uncomfortable feelings from my office-move, but they will pass.
As I have posted before, my therapist had me write a goodbye letter to alcohol. That was very therapeutic for me. I stated, in that letter, that I am glad I have had this challenge in my life (Alcoholism). Let's be honest, being sober is hard work. If I can work through the tough days, I can do anything I set my mind to. The struggle of alcoholism puts the rest of my life in perspective. Things that would historically cause me to over-react and drink, I now reflect, put them in perspective then work through the feelings.
As I said at the onset, I feel much better at 90 days. That is not to say each day has been sunshine and rainbows. At the onset of very early sobriety (first couple of weeks) I dealt with the grief and mourning related to my commitment of staying sober and completely abstaining from alcohol. That was tough. It felt like I lost a good friend. I chose not to go to a social function that was centered around drinking. I became resentful and was down in the dumps for a few days. From the onset of my sobriety my emotions have been all over the place - and they still are from time-to-time. I have been uncomfortable a lot of the time, as I push myself further with what I am learning in therapy. And what have I learned?
- Self-care is paramount. Eating, sleeping, stress-relief. I must take time for myself each and every day. It is not selfish, it is like medicine.
- I must be honest at all times. When I was actively drinking I was rarely honest. Sneaking around buying and drinking booze. I wouldn't have told the truth about that if I was on fire. I now push myself to be completely honest with my wife with my feelings. I tell her on the hard days that yes, I want to drink right now. I used to look at that as weakness or placing on her an undue burden. What it actually does is gives me support and it holds me accountable. It has also helped my wife and I grow much closer. She has been so supportive to me throughout this time.
- I deserve to be happy. I will not be happy if all (or any) of my decisions are made to "keep the peace" with others. As stated earlier, I have always been a people-pleaser and it is very hard to put myself first. It makes me feel like I'm being selfish or mean. I am getting it though. There is a huge payout here. If I can do things that benefit me, I love myself more, then I can be of more service to others.
- Humility and Minfulness. These two are paramount to my sobriety. In looking at previous slips, I noticed that many times I had a false sense of over-confidence. I know that no matter the number of days under my belt, if I take on drink, the result is the same. Alcohol will ALWAYS affect me in the same way.
I thank each and every one of you that posts on this site. It has helped me more than you will ever know. You go through life, you see co-workers, people at the store and in social situations and you feel like you are the only one going through these struggles. When I read and post here I feel welcome and normal.