Imjoco

Hi, hello, and thank you for reading my post. I am new to the site and new to the world of substance addiction/recovery. I'm sorry if I may be posting in the wrong section. I made sure to read through the site to get an idea of what is expected and, in the process, I was very comforted by the information and insight and support contributors have shared on this site.

I started dating the most wonderful, sweetest, loving, tender and intelligent man a little over 7 months ago. Early into the relationship, he told me he had been addicted to heroin, was clean for 4 years and had a short relapsed just 3 months before we started dating. When I met him he was on the Subutex program. Being so u familiar with heroin and recovery, I didn't know what to look for, or if I even had anything to look for. He seemed happy and well adjusted. And in the ensuing months, I would learn about the side effects of his medication - the stomach pains, bowel problems, insomnia, nightmares, fear. And then, during the second month of our relationship, his exGF suddenly filed to have full custody of their kid, and only allowing him supervised every-other-weekend custody. This just built up his stress, causing some slight depression and a lot of anxiety. He would have his low moments and I was there for him. With me, he seemed happy. We had an active relationship, hiking, biking, camping, roadtrips, you name it. And when home, romantic nights, movies, intriguing conversations. I offered a "normal" relationship; no drama, no stress. That's just how I am. I remember when "Something About Mary" came put and my friends and family were joking that they must have based the character of Mary on me - just to give you guys perspective into my lifestyle and attitude. And then 4 months in came the first fight. Honestly, it felt like he was misunderstanding some things I would say, as if looking for something to fight about. It took awhile because I'm very even tempered, preferring to always rationally breakdown an argument without resorting to any attacking-like behavior. So he finally get a rise out of me and then and he would tell me that we need to break up because he doesn't think our relationship will work. I tried to figure out how it went from talking about what to eat for dinner to breaking up. I'd see that trying to get him to talk about it drove him tears, as if it wasn't something he really wanted to do. I would fix the situation as best as I can, calm him down and we would be good again. this happened again a couple weeks later about another misunderstanding and he would just go right to, "I don't think we are good for each other. I think we should break up." But I fixed that break up too. From then, we worked on communicating better with each other to avoid these misunderstandings and extreme reactions. Things proceeded forward. I had met his family and fell in love with them, and they with me, especially his mom and sister - the two he is closest to. Everything continued well on and it seemed we were finally on a good path. I was there for him when he attempted to get off Subutex at an inpatient place for a week. That was unsuccessful and he went right back on Subutex. His anxieties were getting even worse. But, we were okay and there were no shake ups in our relationship. We were happy and in love, or so I thought. A week ago, he told me that he needed to take a break from the relationship. He said that he needed to focus on his recovery and God. I couldn't understand why and he said he was afraid he was going to relapse again. I still couldn't understand. Why would our relationship cause him to relapse if we weren't having problems (2 misunderstandings in 7 months)? When we were together we were always having fun and enjoying each others' company. He kept telling me that he needs to do this and it's not that he doesn't love me but that he can't be in a relationship. He even admitted that he used once during our relationship. I was shocked and my trust just went out the window. All I thought about was what if I caught something from him because he was using. I didn't know if he was sharing needles or what. He said that he didn't shoot up because he didn't want any marks on his body that would reveal he had relapsed. But at this point in our relationship, I was already in love and I didn't want the break up. But he was adamant about it. He would say that he needed to take a break, and then he would later say that we shouldn't be together and that I would find someone better for me. Now that sounded permanent as oppose to just taking the break. He teetered between describing it as a permanent break up and a temporary break. Then, he would tell me how he's not good for me and that he would need to focus on recovery and get better first. He needed to focus on God, his recovery and his kid and couldn't be in a relationship with me even though he really loved me. I tried to get him to explain whether this was permanent or temporary and he would say he didn't know. because he needed to get back on track with recovery. I started researching and learned that he shouldn't have been in a relationship in the first place, for the first year at least. We talked again and I told him I understood and that in a year, we'll see where we're at, to which he responded that a year would be too long. So I'm still confused about whether this is permanent or just a break. And the last couple days he'd text me randomly, saying how he was just thinking about me or that he was looking at something that reminded him about me or how much he wishes he could be with me at that moment but has to fight it. Mind you, these texts were all him. I kept my distance and didn't respond except to text him that I hope he gets better. no I-Love-Yous or I-Miss-Yous, nothing. Sometimes I felt he just wanted to take a break. He tells me he basically has to let go of his feelings for me and focus on sobriety, and he doesn't know what's going to happen.

What I don't get is, why cut out something that is a good thing in his life? With all the negative stuff, why cut out things that are a positive in his life? And what could he possibly mean by telling me that he has to forget his feelings for me and focus, and then say something like a year is too long to be separated. Is this some behavior that is typical of recovery/use or just specific to him?

Any input would be greatly appreciated Thank You