Being addicted to his addiction for so long has ingrained habits in my life that have altered my daily existence so it is almost unrecognizable. You know those habits: why is his door locked?, what's all that nose sniffing noise about?, check the eyes, ask confrontational questions, obsessively worrying, check the phone log, give unsolicited advice, angry silence, accusing looks, sleepiness nights replaying past transgressions and imagining future horrors, black moods, and I could go on and on. We can all go on and on. (good to identify but getting old as it's all well known by now!) The awareness has happened for me. I am codependent. My life became unmanageable. All my effort makes not one whit of difference to his journey.
So now I am trying to make a new list. What new habits have to happen? What have
you found/done/invented to replace destructive habits? Because I know I am destroying my life and my happiness and my productiveness and my relationships.
I am doing that. Not him. For now the awareness is helping, a lot. I put on the brakes. Turn away and reach for….. something else. Pray. Read. Head here. Do something for me.
But I am looking forward to not going there in the first place!!! And these habits are strongly imbedded. I need to find and practice new habits of recovery. How does
that happen? I am in a place where the big gestures aren't happening at this time for complex reasons. He is in my house and that is what it is for now. So breaking
my habits while
his habits are in my face. My recovery can not wait on his recovery. My life can not be derailed because his is and his consequences should not be mine.
So my wonderful SR family - please help me make a new list. Recovery habits for me. And you. We all know where we've been. Now let's go where we want to be, for us.
