comingoutsober

Quite a bit actually. I thank everyone from the bottom of my heart for responding and giving their insights. The thought of a detox program scares me as much as Antabuse does (anxiety disorders complicate everything). I have been completely honest with my doctor but I just think he is ill equipped to deal with my issues-- he is more of an MD than a Psy D.

I don't think it's so much that I'm physically dependent on alcohol but emotionally. I know I can stop drinking if I "have a good enough reason" for the next day (as if physical and emotional wellness aren't good enough reasons). I never need a drink in the morning and if I really focus I don't drink that night (or the next, etc.). The crux of the issue is my self esteem. My doctor asked me once "do you like yourself?" and holding back tears, I honestly answered "not really" and went on to explain that I've never really lived for myself but rather for others and how I should be; in the eyes of my parents, of society, of complete strangers. This task is so daunting that I just choose to turn it off with alcohol.

My mom is a recovering alcoholic of 10 years and she said the same thing. For her, alcohol was an escape, a way to detach from the world. She has given me some good insight on how to tackle the issue. She has told me about some transcendental meditation techniques that I have started and they seem to help.

Forever, I was against AA (mostly because my mom was in her recovery experience) but more and more I'm thinking that AA would be a valuable tool for me. I think it has gotten so bad because I finally came to terms with the fact that I am gay and came out a couple years ago but have been terrified to move beyond that because social interaction and relationships scare me so much. Only the people closest to me (or those the least close to me) know that I'm gay. I have chosen to remain static in my life but now the repercussions are catching up with me.

I know alcohol is a poison and that it makes my emotional issues worse, but the mid-brain is winning the fight against the frontal lobe at the moment.

I think tomorrow I will contact a more qualified counselor (while I still have insurance...) and start to really grapple with my issues. And I will definitely seek an AA group that is near me. I need to do something to achieve the life that I really want.

Thanks again for all of your input and I will keep you posted through my journey.