comingoutsober

While I have been a member of the site for over a year now, I'm ashamed to admit I still haven't kicked the habit. I can do one night without alcohol, but then night 2 sends me speeding to the liquor store.

And now it has reached a fever pitch. I have been given "verbal notice" at work that my performance needs to improve or I will be terminated. This really wasn't a surprise as I really dislike my current position, so I have applied to places and have gotten two interviews with promising results but that just makes my anxiety worse (did I mention I struggle with generalized anxiety disorder, OCD, and depression?). So the only way I have learned to cope is by drinking.

Now I'm even more fearful because with new employment comes the obligatory drug and alcohol test and I'm afraid that I may be offered a position, give notice at my job now, then get told they are taking back the offer due to alcohol in my system and I'm off to the unemployment line.

I have been very open with my doctor about my alcoholism and he has prescribed me clonazepam to quiet the constant stream of thoughts in my head, but that wasn't enough to get me to stop. So he upped the ante and prescribed me Antabuse. This scares the hell out of me. I filled the prescription but it still sits in the medicine cabinet because I fear that I'm not centered or strong enough to not drink.

I only drink at night, and when I try not to, my anxiety just goes out of control and all I can think about is drinking to take away the negative feelings. I don't mix benzos and booze, and given the choice, I go straight for the booze. I just don't know how to sit and "be" if that makes any sense.

I want so much to stop, but I've really backed myself into a corner here. You'd think my present employment situation would be enough for me to make a change but it isn't.

So to wrap up the rant, has anyone ever had a similar experience? Taken Antabuse even though it scared you to death? Found ways to occupy your time so alcohol doesn't interrupt your life? My thoughts are just everywhere at the moment so I would appreciate any input.