i dont want to keep making new posts.. so ill just add to this one.. i suppose it still goes along with the "feeling weird" anyway.
today, although staying off the crazy train (even though hes been out three times now saying he was going one place and actually coming back from a completely opposite direction, i told myself firmly "not MY business".. i can smell the weed but he says he hasnt got any, again NOT MY business) i'm still floundering. I seem to be rotating between totally disconnected and unreal, horrible feeling in "my stomach" complete with pounding heart and being sick to hopeless.
im really trying to focus on me and i can honestly see im a total mess.. but i have NO idea what to do about it.. i dont know where to even start. I know where this will end tonight if im not careful, so maybe putting something on here will refocus me.
My doorknob is as helpful as yesterday.. which is to say, he is staying silent and not really giving me much of clue of what i could/should be doing with myself. Maybe im just tired, ive not been sleeping great, waking up with horrible nightmares.. i have a feeling im way beyond "selfhelp" but dont know where to turn to.. ive rung AlAnon again, but there are no daytime groups available so that is a no go, ive rung the psych department and was told again that i am still on the waiting list and to wait for my letter.
AH is trying hard and he is getting all the help he needs, which is good. I just feel that it will be better for him in the long run to get rid of ME rather than the other way around because while he is working on his recovery, im going to be forever stuck in this unhealthy loop of codependency or whatever it is that is wrong with me.