I don't believe you are pathetic at all. You have the disease of alcoholism, and there is NO way that will ever make sense. It's rare to put this disease in remission with our minds and thoughts, as that is what sick. In the morning, you will tell yourself and soooo believe it, that you will never drink again, and you know in your heart you never will again....THEN, be it that night, next day, next week, whatever, you pick it up again, with the never drinking again thought completely absent....Where did it go? AA er's call it the strange mental block that accompanies the first drink...they are right. Hence the insanity...Heard someone else call it their "evil twin"...
Something has to happen, some mental shift, spiritual awakening, psyche change...call it what you want, in order to get sober, then hang on to that with everything you've got, while letting go at the same time. Again, you are not pathetic, the disease is, but you don't have to feel this way ever again.