It was a HUGE step for me to realize that I was TOTALLY and COMPLETELY not responsible for my husband's behavior. I was only responsible for my reaction to it.
I learned to react in a way that made me feel best. I learned not to explain him, excuse him or justify him.
I did what I had to do to keep myself and my children safe and in good graces with those who "I" care about. Since my husband has started his sober journey and has told people what was going on with him...no one has been surprised.
By letting him be responsible for his own actions is a huge step. Good luck with it and please...stick around.
Jenny