Feeling .. weird
I don't know maybe what i'm experiencing is normal... i havent boarded the crazy train, but im not really level either. I kind of just feel numb and everything seems too much, even the kids just coming in and hovering around me makes me want to scream at the moment.
I dont know what to do with myself.. so i'm not obsessing about what AH is doing/or not doing.. but now there just is a big void. Im trying to fill that void with meaningful things, but all i feel is disconnection and numbness.
I cant describe it... the whole world just feels unreal to me today, like i don't belong here.. it seems that with detaching from the addiction issues, i have completely detached from everything.. surely im not supposed to be doing that either @_@ im just one confused mess i think.. its almost better to feel that dread, panic and turmoil than this nothing. Im not looking forward to anything, i can only take life on a day to day basis cos who knows when im going to board that crazy train again. Im doing well in the not getting involved in AH's business but that now means that i dont have a clue what is going on with the addiction clinic, they are going to make all decisions and im going to have to live with whatever they decide.
I know im supposed to "work" and "focus" on me.. but there isnt all that much "me" to occupy much time and everything else just overwhelms me right now, i was going to go into town earlier, saw how busy the traffic was and just gave up cos i knew id get overloaded and have a meltdown. Im calm, but i dont even know what "happy" feels like anymore.. maybe this is my ptsd kicking in or it is a normal reaction to detaching?