Michtizz

Hi Mum and Dad,

I hope you're both well. I'm getting there.

It's been a truly silly week. On Thursday, I went along to X for a team meeting. I went out for a few beers with a colleague, E. I missed the last train home and stayed on E's sofa.

Instead of going home on Friday morning, I had a couple of coffees and then called my friend, M, who was working at home. He came out; we had a few more beers. I stayed on his sofa.

Saturday was much the same. I was in self-destruct mode. The pressure of everything, running around giving myself no time to breathe had caught up and all I could do was drink more to forget the now-physical and mental pain. I ran out of money.

Sunday came. I thought I was going to die. I called my friend, S, who looks after me so well. She drove from her house in , P to X to pick me up and drive me home. On the way back, I was sick in her car - projectile vomit. I asked her to take me back to her house so that I could recover in her spare room. She lives in a lovely cottage in a nice village and it feels chilled here.

Sarah's been going to work every day and I've been staying at hers. I didn't do much on Monday other than sleep and moan about the pain in my side. I was able to do a bit more yesterday and today, after work, I think Sarah is going to take me home.

Amidst the three days of drinking, I forgot my brother's birthday. I feel terrible for not even sending him a text, let alone a card. I had it all planned. I was going to send him vouchers. But then, it all fell through. I'm not sure what to say to J by way of apology. I feel terrible about this.

I think being sick in S's car was my rock-bottom. I've tried to convince myself for so long that I can handle alcohol - and the fact that I go days without drinking has always been my excuse. But, when I do drink, I get into patterns such as the one this week, where I go into self-destruct mode. Until I can prove to myself that I can control that then I need to give up. I felt better in January when I did this and now need to do the same again.

I'm not telling you this to worry you or to shock you (though I guess that might be a response to this). It's simply because you need to know what I'm like. I try to present a positive exterior but inside there's sadness at play. I've been keeping myself so busy to not give myself time to think. Friends tell me that I have so much but I actually feel like a pretty terrible Son, Dad, Brother and friend. I need to work on that, be strong for me and do things that are positive for me. I'm under no illusion that this'll be easy.

There are immediate things I can do though. I'm fed up of rushing in/rushing out of my house and only having time to cook a microwave meal when there - so, buying healthy ingredients and eating better is top of my list. Getting to bed at a decent hour and getting regular sleep is also at the top. And, of course, not drinking.

Thanks for reading this and caring in the way that I know you will. I have some excellent friends. I've already talked to A about this - and obviously S. It all feels a bit raw, scary but positive.

With so much love,

S
X