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As I have posted elsewhere, tomorrow my wife and I separate after 12 years of marriage - she has put up with my drinking for several years with unflinching support but my last relapse after 2 months rehab was the final straw. She says she loves me but she cant say at this stage if we can ever get back together; this is a draft of a letter I want to send her. My intention is to reassure her that she is not to blame - because she does blame herself somehow. Also I need to set out that i will not pressure her to come back (which would be hugely selfish and which every bit of me is screaming to do)

Hi ….

I just wanted to send you this letter before our respective internet connections are temporarily disrupted with the move.

I just thought it was important to state a few things –

First; I love you – that is not to put any emotional pressure on you, it is simply to state a fact, just as it is also a fact that I have not acted as if I love you for too long.

I know that apologies and professions of love mean nothing at this stage (though you have them in abundance), so instead I give you my word that I fully understand your decision for us to live separately and I will fully respect this. It is YOU and your well-being that you need to focus on - God knows you have focussed on mine for long enough.

It is time that that burden, beyond what anyone should have been expected to take, is removed from you so of course you are doing the right thing. I should have acknowledged this myself much earlier ( but that is self-regret so enough of that…)

Which brings me on to my second pledge. That from this day on I will maintain my recovery for MYSELF and I will work on my relationship with myself. I hope that doesn’t sound selfish – I want rather, for you to know that I will not burden you with the responsibility of my recovery – that responsibility is mine alone.

12 years ago I made the most important vows of my life to you. Now I am making equally important vows:

I will no longer hide behind depression, alcohol, stress or whatever; I will, rather, take responsibility for who I am and for what I want and need to become. That involves never drinking again as well as addressing the underlying issues of my depression; not just skirting around them.

I’ve made these pledges to you in the past and failed on them; this time I’m making them to myself - so there is no hiding place; and I am putting practical steps I gained in rehab in place to ensure that (plus AA, sponsor, counselling, outreach registration etc).

When you want to get in touch, then I will be delighted, but I will leave that to you to decide, I will respect your choice as to when to contact. Please, take the time now to try live a normal life (remember what that is?), to try to de-stress, to enjoy your friends, to be yourself again – and have some fun! You deserve it so much.

I hope you can do that side of things, I know I can do my side. I am going to beat this and am going to be fine. Just as the future whatever it holds is going to be fine.

Take care
x