gracette

But on those screeners where they say that if you answer yes to 3 or 4 symptoms you have signs of a problem, I always say yes to at least half. And what I know is that I've tried and failed to quit or control my drinking hundreds of times over the past 15 years. I don't drink every day, but when I do I crave it and I generally lose control. I can occasionally have just a few drinks, but it's usually because of circumstances not of my choosing or embarrassment at wanting more than everybody else, and I sit there thinking about wanting more. But even if I go a few sessions without going off the deep end, a black-out session is always around the corner. My hangovers are getting worse and worse, and I've noticed that for several days after I have what I'm starting to think must be mild withdrawal symptoms... I feel extra anxious and crave-y and can't sleep or concentrate on anything. So the last year or two of my drinking life (because I actually drink fewer days a week now than I did when I was younger) has been a cycle of binges and feeling crappy for a few days and failed resolutions and more binges.

I guess the label doesn't matter too much really, but it's hard to seek help when a part of me is saying "this is all in your head, you're overreacting, seeking attention." I'm a [mostly] recovered bulimic, and when a therapist first told my mother that I had an eating disorder, her response was basically that, so I've got some issues around this I guess.

I just opened up to my boyfriend the other day, and while he also felt the need to insist I wasn't an alcoholic, he also recognized that I might have a problem that requires complete or near complete abstinence. He even talked me out of my overambitious plan to hang out with a friend who loves to drink/pressure me to drink ON ST PATRICKS DAY while not drinking myself... maybe a little too much for a beginner, ha.

I haven't had anything since Sunday (so now 5 days sober!), following a vacation which involved daily drinking. (Only one black out night, though, which was sort of impressive.) I'm coming up on about as long as I ever go without a drink, so I'm not quite sure what to expect from here, but I have at least gotten past the worst of the immediate crappiness that usually comes when I stop.

Sorry this is awful long. I've found a lot of strength just reading these forums the past few days, so I guess I want to jump in and try to commit myself that much more by participating a little bit.