Mits78

There i said it. Here we go.................

This happend over 40 years ago and I just discovered it 4 days ago. I have been srtuggling with anxiety and depression my entire life. I tried everything to get rid of it and nothing worked. This past sunday I felt panic coming on. I laid on the couch to try to relax when it got worse. I told myself I dont give a **** what happens here I want to know what this is. I went as deep in my mind as I could and began to get horrified. I kept going. I kept seeing my neighbors house and a demon. I wasnt sure if it was real or just something i imagined but it seemed real enough. Horror.

The next day I called my new therapist (psychotherapist not a drug doctor) and saw her the second day. We spoke about things that bothered me and then I began to tell her about sunday. I kept avoiding what happened sunday but eventually I spoke. We got to the point of mentioning a name i put my head down and began to cry.

Things then got a lot worse. I began to shake and my mind entered the trauma all over again. I saw a darkness in front of me that was a place I didnt want to go again because it was the most aweful place I ever experienced and there was no return. Someone would say it was hell and it sure seemed like it.

After she calmed me down I asked her if this was real and I wasnt just making it up ( trauma has a way of making things that arent real seem so), she said it is real. My own mind blocked it out for over 40 years. We talked more and I kept asking her if it was real she kept saying yes. I got up to walk off some of the energy, stood there for a moment and said "yeah, it was him". Now it was real.

Thankfully I was so young I dont remember images only feelings. The trauma. This man didnt only abuse me sexually I feel I tried to tell someone they didnt believe me and he reprimanded me for it. I must have been bad because this is where the trauma comes from. The horror. Constantly on alert my entire life. My central nervous system stored this energy and it never left. This is my anxiety and depression. It explains EVERTHING I have and havent done in this life. Drinking, fear, nervous, lack of concentration, cant get close to anyone, all the poor judgement...on and on and on.

EVERY panic attack i experienced, at its core, was what this man did to me. The horror left in my nervous system was awoken.

I am thankful that I dont remember details and know know there are other things there i questioned but I now know they need not be answered. The trauma is slowly leaving my body. I dont need to go back there anymore. Its finally coming to a end. I need to teach my nervous system that its over.
I looked this man up on-line (trembling as i did) and thank GOD he is dead! I probably would have killed him if he wasnt. I prayed for his soul and found some peace because I would NEVER wish ANYONE into the hell i saw that day. Not even him.

Now I know, I finally know what has been bothering me my whole life. It was always there in the back of my mind that I couldn't see. Sorry for the lenghtly post, I just want to get it out. There is nothing I need to be ashamed about anymore. It will take time but i will put this behind me.

I can finally move on with my life!