DisplacedGRITS

I swear, i am treading water in a life that's trying to drown me. I've relocated recently and have made a couple of acquaintances but i'm afraid to make real friends.

I've lived a somewhat transient life. My only real friends are thousands of miles away. I have nothing tying me to where i am. I had just started making friends in Milwaukee and then a few months later, i had to leave. I dunno what to do.

Sometimes, i think i'd rather be alone and drunk rather than be sober and make friends. I think my husband has finally found a company he can be happy with for a long time but ****, i'm so burned out.

My lifestyle lets me live alone and drunk. As long as dinner is on the plate at night and we have a fun on the weekend, then it's fine. I wanna either be a Mom or have a career but my drinking prevents both of those. Hell, i can't even work a minimum wage job because i'll just end up drinking again. I don't even know what to DO! Well, i wanna be a Mom but i can't go much longer. I feel like no one wants me.

My husband doesn't even really want me. I think i'm his pet. I pee on the carpet and he smacks my nose and tells me where to pee next time. I am so amazingly sad. I drink, i get better and i screw up. I have no direction. I abhor making new friends. I am afraid my husband will be let go and i will have to go through the agonizing process of making friends again. I'm a leaf on the wind so i feel like i out to drift around and never make friends again.

I'm also a kept woman. I feel so guilty. I have been given a lot and i have squandered it. There are so many women who deserve so much more than i've been given. Money is not, and probably never will be, an issue for me. I worked my ass off at one point but now? I'm a leach. I cook, i clean and i drink.

"Dost thou not suspect my place? Dost thou not suspect my years? Oh that he were here to write me down an ass! But masters remember now that i am an ass; though it not be written down, yet forget not that i am an ass."

I am an ass and i know that i will be nothing but an ass. I am superficial in all my dealings and whatever i am, i am, my friends, is an ass. Funny, stubborn, foolish...i shall always be an ass. People, may dare me to be something else but i am afraid that my go-to persona shall always be an ass.

I could use a hug but i'm kinda over letting anyone touch me. I wish i could just give up. And yet i shall smile and go on and do my best to be the person i think i should be.

I think dying young may be a blessing to everyone. Mourn and move on. No one here needs an ass.