My biggest worry is still that he's going to die, at 35 years old. If I leave, I feel it it's inevitable. It makes me so sad for my boys!
Babe... I know it's difficult. But here's a thought that someone shared with me when I left AXH -- she said "you may just have done him the biggest favor anyone ever has." What she meant was -- by not being there and catching him when he fell, I let him suffer the consequences of his drinking. He no longer had anyone listening to his excuses. He was left alone with his demons and he had to decide whether to live or die.
He decided to (after a few months of sobriety) keep drinking, and he will probably drink himself to death.
The thing is -- me staying with him
would not have changed that. The only thing that would have changed was that we would all have gone down with him. Staying with an addict because you're afraid they will die is like deciding to stay in a burning building with someone because they refuse to leave.
I honestly also don't know what's worse -- having kids who miss their dad because they can't be with him and maybe have to lose him to addiction, or having kids who have rejected their dad and say "I don't care if he dies, I'm not going to his funeral, I'm done with him." The latter is what my kids are saying. I waited too long to leave, and they have NO positive memories left that aren't overshadowed by the negative ones.