Firesprite, you're not being harsh, and I'm totally with you! I can't stand the woman in all honesty. She's always sided with SD's mum, even when SD was living with her. We put it down to her trying to protect SD, but it was more sinister, sadly. She would in fact protect SD's mum, but would call us up and tell us of all the awful things that were going on - how cruel SD's mum was to her, how much she was drinking, how she was failing to get SD to school, how she was leaving SD alone at home to care for her baby brother. We tried our best, from 20 miles away (SD's mum and MIL live in the same town) to involve Social Services and the school, but they would always suggest that MIL contact them seeing as she was an eye witness to these wrong doings, and she would always flatly refuse, saying she couldn't go against SD's mum. I pointed out to her on more than one occasion that I couldn't for the life of me understand why she was happy to leave her granddaughter in that environment, knowing full well that she would be so much better off with us, but she would just say "that child loves her mother". Even pointing out that she loved her father too (MIL's own son!!!) wouldn't shift her to helping us get SD out of there. I asked her once if she realised that leaving SD there would, not could, would cause her difficulties in her teenage/adult years, and she said that she still wanted SD to stay with her mum. I have, since SD came to live with us (of her own accord), said "I told you so" to MIL (not those exact words, but I have asked her why she allowed it to happen), and she chooses not to respond. Does she know I'm right? I'm not sure, but even if she did she would never admit she's in the wrong. Her relationship with SD's mum caused my husband to have a mental breakdown a few years back, and put me in Counselling, but still she carried on. He would plead with her to NOT mention SD's mum when she called up or visited, but within a few seconds of arriving at our home she would start speaking about her and telling us all sorts of horrors. So, she never respected our boundaries, ever, and even cutting her out of our lives for 2 years didn't make a difference, so she's never going to respect her granddaughter's boundaries.
As it is, when she sees SD all she does is nag her about her clothes, her hair, her make up. SD is quite alternative, which we think is fine, and we allowed her to have ear stretchers (only to 10mm) because we figured allowing some body modification might help to reduce her self harm (which it did), and MIL went crazy at her, and us. She wants her granddaughter to be a 'girly' girl, and hates it that she isn't. She is always comparing her to other girls, and SD hates that. We have both asked her to lay off the nagging, but she doesn't listen.
I've actually just had a chat to my husband, and we've both agreed that we will not allow contact for a while. This woman is never going to change, we accept that, and she is never going to respect her granddaughter's wishes or her son's for that matter, so the best thing is to just stay away. Yes, that will annoy her and our names will be mud, but we HAVE to do what's best for SD, end of, and that is keeping her away from idiotic people who have no thought or care for her wellbeing.
