Not quite sure where to start or even if this is the place for redemption. I've never really tol my story to anyone or to any AA group. I've just left the past where it is and let it slumber. Today for some reason I thought otherwise. What is the adage, "secrets keep you sick".
I've been drinking on and off now for approx. 40ty years now off and on. I have a story like everyone else. I started drinking at 18 as that was "arrival" of adulthood when it came to drinking and legalization. I can remember vividly, going out with my friends to an outdoor movie and we stopped at a liquor store to pick up, of course, spirits. I walked down the aisle looking at the beer labels trying to decide in my mind which looked prettiest and more attractive. (Those marketers know what they are doing with design) In my mind, I DID NOT WANT TO DO THIS. Peer pressure reigned, so I reluctantly took down a cold 6 pack and went and checked out. Aaah there, now I won't be ridiculed for taking a bottle of lemonade. Now don't ask me what the movie was about. This was my beginning on the road to Jericho.
Since the beginning, I worked at the Telephone Company and the first 7 years, I had perfect attendance and no tardies. Yes, I'm proud of that. But then, I lost my grandmother in a fire. This was my first major loss in my life. I had no clue how to handle grief. My father whom I admired greatly (almost too much, he was an alcoholic) said and I quote "This is what we are living for." At that time all I could think of was "Huh?" So I stuffed my pain. I loved my grandmother dearly.
Life went on.....still with the Phone Company working trying to stay focused on life and my path. While on that path, the drinking filtered in big time. I also knew within, that "yup, I've got it too." The ugly disease. Every drink or sip became addicting and I knew, but it was the best otc medication out there for my internal confusion and pain.
As time went on, I met a wonderful man whom to this day I knew I should have married but didn't. (He passed away 2 years ago and was married with 3 children) My father came between us and that is another painful story for another time. Thus to this day, I am painfully single.
Trudge, trudge, trudge drinking here and there. Binge drinking is my forte. Never two or three days in a row. Usually when something is bothering me is when I would imbibe to suppress the pain. I lost my father then to alcoholism and then to cancer. The loses just kept getting bigger. Also, when the man whom you adore and told you, "this is what we are living for" passes, I was lost. I did not get any therapy for grieving, so I stuffed that too. I didn't get help for 18 years since my father died. I finally did.
What this is leading up to is this, I've stayed sober for 5 years and then I lost my Amber. (dog) I really haven't stopped since. Now, I'm living in my mothers house after moving back in with her 30 years on my own. She needed assistance with her health. She is all of 92 today and living in an assisted living facility 15 miles from here. The caretaking trek for mom, is another story as well for another time. Bitter/sweet. Now I'm feel lost and buy a 6 pack and finish that up every now and again. I just don't care for it that much and know healthwise, its not going to get me anywhere. I realize mortality all to well and that mom won't live forever, so I'm bracing for the loss ahead.
Let me just mention briefly here, I have not been in jail, an institution or hospital for 20 years now and don't plan on it. I guess there is a plus there. So I've been on the same route as many here. Now that I got my computer running again I hope to spend more time here as before.
Sorry for the homily, but appreciate your eyes and time to read this. This may be criptic and I'm sure I've missed a lot. Now I'm just taking one hour at a time. Ssshessh sometimes 5 minutes.
