I just want to say thank you to everyone on this forum. You've all helped me at a time when I felt there was no hope. Leaving him was the hardest thing I've done in a long time, but I'm 2 weeks out from that fateful night and I can feel the calmness coming back into my life. Slowly, but surely. I tried to leave so many times, but until I found this forum and found the support that I desperately needed, as well as the information needed to understand the dynamics of this disease, I was just lost. I felt so guilty about leaving him. I carried such a tremendous feeling of responsibility for helping him when in reality, I was enabling him. The relationship took more of a toll on me than I could have ever realized while I was in the thick of it. I see it now and while it still hurts, it's definitely getting better. I feel the clouds lifting. I cooked myself a great dinner tonight for the first time in almost a month and I actually enjoyed doing it. My appetite up until this point was zero. We're going to have a snow storm and I'm ok being here alone, enjoying the peace that I haven't had in a very long time.
I still have quite a few 'moment's of missing him terribly, don't get me wrong, but I feel like I can breathe again, just a little easier. It's definitely a process. I was so wrapped up in 'helping' him that I never saw how I was destroying myself in the process. I truly thought I was strong enough for both of us. HA! Funny how strong denial is.
My therapist has been a tremendous help and I'm thankful I realized I needed that extra help. I have this overwhelming need to help those that don't want to help themselves and we're working on figuring that out. I know where a lot of it comes from, and I'm aware that it's there, but I need to extricate that part of my thinking. I didn't help him. I couldn't help him. I'm not even sure that he can help him at this point. I pray for him and I do still love him, but I was quickly going down with him. I had to go.
I haven't heard a word from him since the break-up, which hurts pretty deeply, but it does make it easier to move on from 'us'. I'm not strong enough, quite yet, to see his tears or hear the pain in his voice like the last break ups, so I just go out of my way to avoid everything and anything that has to do with him. This is the longest I've gone being away from him without speaking at all and now I understand why no-contact is hard, but so necessary.
Again, thank you everyone. Your support, kind words and sometimes tough love has helped more than you'll ever know. I truly hope that I'm in the position to give back and help someone come through this one day like you've all done for me.
Couldn't have done it without all of you.
