I was introduced to recovery in 2003. I'd love to be able to tell a story that involves 13.5 years of clean time, but I can't. And while relapse doesn't have to be part of everyone's story, unfortunately sometimes that's just the path.
At one time I thought of myself as a chronic relapser. It was rough. I'm my own worst critic. I have put together a lot of years of clean time in the last 13.5 years, however just not all in a row.
Several stints of 1-2 years. Lots of stretches of 9-12 months. Lots of time "around" the program, but not actively participating.
I've come to the following conclusions, which I hold as undeniable.
1. I was not a relapser. Relapsing implies I had some recovery - I did not. I was abstinent. My behaviors in other areas of my life were atrocious as I acted out.
2. I have been around long enough and built small relationships with "winners" - people that I feel live and follow the 12 step program I attend an believe in (however have not fully engaged myself in) - to know that it works. Following the program, working the steps and living the principles of the program works. There are too many examples for me to deny that. I simply need to put in the time and do my part and it will work for me.
"Simply" is not always simple - at least for me it's not.
I hope we all find some serenity.