I feel your pain and am so sorry for your loss. If it makes you feel any better, I am going through a very similar situation.
This is what I have begun to understand. First, the A (whether active or not) come up with all kinds of reasons why they drink and why they continue to drink. Initially it was his family, then work, then his childhood, then when all other possibilities were worked out through various rehabs and counselors, then guess what? The problem became ME. Even after saving his life not just once, but twice. VERY hurtful.
His family agrees with this new one. They have told him to find someone better. That he deserves happiness. Guess what? So do I. I have learned to just let it go. It brings much more peace to my life. I really believe only spouses of A's as well as the children living with the A fully understand just how difficult this life can be with one. Please do not blame yourself! Love yourself and move on to healthier relationships. I encourage Al anon......to prevent this type of situation from ever entering into your life again.
Lots of hugs your way!