Itsmylifenow,
When our childhood is filled with confusing dysfunctional adult relationships our hard wiring about ourselves and relationships gets out of whack. We learn about healthy relationships by observation and modeling by parents what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior.
Our "feelings" even love is caused by chemical dumps from our brain that is misfiring ... I am an adrenaline junkie and the fear part of my brain does not even work because I was so traumatized as a child. Point a gun at me and I don't get icy fear in my stomach...I get mad and dare you to shoot me. I have actually done that with my abusive father who routinely used to fire guns at us... drunk as a coot but always made sure he missed (he was a crack shot).
Can you even imagine a mother who didn't get their children out of a situation like that? Well mine didn't... and I ended up being an angry woman looking for a drunk to fix subconsciously ... and I found them! Several in fact....
That is how it was... how it is now is that I started working on me through counseling, tons of books, this forum that I visit often to remind me of where I could go back to if I don't be vigilant in my recovery and I believe in Alanon and have done the 12 steps.
And instead of collecting red flag men like party favors so I can get that adrenaline rush I spot them a mile away and the attraction isn't there anymore. Like the drunk who looks at the bar and the bottles sparkle and shine like they are covered in pixie dust calling to them... the toxic, emotionally unavailable handsome charming "life of the party" A they just don't cause chemical dumps from my brain anymore.
You can "Retrain your Brain" as Dr. Amen has written in his books... and while we cannot change our past we can get honest and work on changing ourselves and if we do...
we change our future. Your choice is keeping picking the wrong guys for a healthy relationship or get your picker fixed up before you go out shopping!