Wow, what a day and it's not over yet.
I had an energy clearing earlier today. So much stuff came out of that. I am working on cutting the cords with my mother and releasing the dynamics of our relationship. Although she didn't drink, she has some major mental issues that made her act like an alcoholic. Some of the stuff we covered was amazing. It's just a step in the process, but it's a part of it.
The therapist appt is in 45 minutes and there we will cover this obsessive need I have and these stalking issues - which are part of trust. Believe me those go way back to when I was a teenager. It's something I've always done...going to need some work to get rid of it.
I'm working on releasing him. I know the NC hasn't really been that. I feel such a freaking compulsion to hang on to him for dear life, that it's been a major struggle not to see him.
I know that it violates his trust...believe me he is paying for someone else's mistakes here. I wanted to trust him. He told me he'd be honest with me. And, my own insecurities got in the way and I had to be sure. Did he deserve that? No. He didn't. I have such a fear of not knowing what's coming at me that I always have a need to know. A part of me thinks - if I didn't know about this girl would I be any better off? I'd be thinking we still had a chance. Now, I know there isn't.
And, you are right...if he was the secure, loving, homebody guy that I think I want in my life...I'd be bored out of my mind and go looking for another basket case.
I need a mental break for a bit before my appt. I appreciate the comments - the quiet, caring ones and the hard-ass in your face ones too. They do help. I'm working on it.