I'm really glad you did choose to post this here rather than in your journal, because you did resonate with me. I've rented my own apartment and am in the process of moving things in - but my ABF doesn't know yet. I plan on having the talk with him tonight. The final straw for me? The one that made me go put the check in the hands of the landlord and pick up the key? A message from a long-term friend asking if I was OK because he saw my man at the bar with a "little blond" (I'm a brunette - the first I've ever known him to date) and it was obvious there was something there. He didn't know that we had broken up. Umm...we hadn't! I was sitting at home waiting to hear from him because he was supposed to be at a friend's house!
The next day my ABF COMPLETELY cleaned the entire house...a major source of our last 2 arguments. I see a HUGE effort being made on his part and I've been thinking to myself since last night that perhaps once I move out we can work on "US" without the day-to-day clutter of bills and struggle of house-hold chores in the way. I moved in with him WAY too soon out of necessity before we had truly built a solid foundation.
But here's the deal - I will mention in our discussion that I do want to work on our relationship while I'm in my own place...however, I'll also mention the "mystery blond". I won't tolerate it. He's either with me or NOT with me - there's no "dating other people". If he's not going to be committed to me and if I don't feel I can trust him - there's no point. I'll leave it up to him to make the final decision...
Others here are right - getting to be OK within yourself is the best gift you can give yourself. Once you're OK just being by yourself...without feeling you "need" to have someone else there, the "crazy thinking" eases. Life just gets easier.
Best of luck to you in your situation. Personally, I'd just forget about the emails. Either you're going to be together or you aren't. None of the "wishy-washy" emotional rollercoaster. What's the point? To keep the adrenaline flowing? It's not good for your healthy on a purely cellular level - trust me on that score as a 7 year cancer survivor now facing a precancerous stomach condition! The negativity turns inwards and eats your cells alive!