itismylifenow---Sometimes, in our effort to somehow "make it work" we overthink it.
I believe the book "From abandonment to Healing" would be of enormous help to you right now.
I's pretty sure that much of your pain is from bonding and grieving the loss of those bonds. This is about biology and the hormones and brain chemicals that go along with it.
It is natural to feel pain and grieve--and for it to trigger the emotional memories of past losses that may not be well resolved.
You are not the first woman to bond with a man who does not have his S*** together!!!!!! Of course, a good codie will try to force it to work and live on crumbs, if necessary!! Most codies do not know when to give up.
The way this guy is--you will not find happiness for yourself through him. I see this as the bottom line to your story. (I have been there).
I say--Bid him good-by and wish him well. Let him drive some other poor girl nuts.
Go NC.
It will be short-term pain for long-term gain.
dandylion (a voice of experience).