quit reading someone else's EMAIL! that's a violation on many levels....and kind of stalkerish.
addicted to chaos, you say? THAT is something you can look at , examine, work on and fix - within you. you can learn how to just BE. without the drama-rama, come here, go away, i want you, no i want somebody else, constant RUSH.
sorry to say but you have not been anywhere CLOSE to NO CONTACT. hanging out and cuddling is definitely CONTACT. reading HIS emails is contact. you seem caught up in the fantasy that he will one day wake up and recognize how wonderful YOU are and....a) change into the man you WANT him to be (not be who he is) and b) foresake all others.
and then ya know what would happen - if he grew up, settled down, quit drinking, quit chippying around and stayed faithful and true???
you'd be bored out of your skull. and you'd be off to find some other human calamity and start it all over again.
it's ain't HIM honey.
I want a guy who is loving, and caring and secure and can be there in a way I need him to be.
beneath that is your own inner craving to be all those things for YOURSELF. nobody else can fix you, sure you thought his hugs made it better...but look around you darlin, you see any BETTER in the neighborhood?
the only way to stop the cycle is to STOP participating. quit running on impulse. gain control of your emotions and conduct yourself with calm maturity. quit wasting time and get busy LIVING your one life.