I'm taking deep breaths...trying to get this under control. No, I don't want this turmoil. I want a guy who is loving, and caring and secure and can be there in a way I need him to be.
That being said, this is what I know. Maybe it's not so much letting go of the guy as it is the security I feel in knowing this feeling I'm going through. It's awful, yet I know it. but, I must say it's getting more uncomfortable this time around than it used to be.
It's just emotions. Just emotions. Not fact. Nothing more than a feeling. And, a strong one at that I might add.
I know I need NC. I told myself that I was going to just give it to him this week. But, I struggle with the clingy side of me, not wanting him to walk away from me. I struggle with not texting him right now to say that I love him, so he doesn't go on this date tomorrow.
A part of me says to be strong and do this. The other is fighting tooth and nail to take control...because it has really, really strong needs at this moment.
.....I just called my therapist...I don't know where these strong emotions are coming from or what they are about. I needed to react so I did...and now I feel calm. Calmer. but, until when? This woman is flattering him. Big time. He has a constant need for people to reassure him because his self esteem is so low.
Okay, not about him. I just keep asking myself if he walks away from me what is it that goes with him? What is it that I need so bad from him I feel like my world is shattering because he's taking it away.
It's love and affection. Plain and simple. Physical affection. When he holds me my world gets calm. It's not even sexual. It's just what I feel when he holds me. And, no one else can do that for me. And, I'm not sure how to get that from myself.
Maybe my past hurts are getting closer to the surface. Maybe that's why the triggers are so intense. I don't know.
You are all helping though. I'm hearing you...and trying to wrestle with this stuff in my mind.
NC....NC...NC....if I contact him I will come across needy and crazy. Which is what I feel right now. And, then it won't be about his drinking but about the crazy, obsessive woman instead.
yay.